A Mosuo Child's Life: From Birth in the Side Room to the Coming-of-Age Rite at 13

In a Mosuo (摩梭) mother house there is one special room called the side room (erfang, 耳房). You could call it the threshold of life — a blessed place of birth and a line of parting from death. Every child is born here, and every person who dies also leaves from here; it truly carries the feeling of "coming from somewhere, and returning to the same place."

The whole life of a Mosuo child begins in this side room.

Birth: Where Women Welcome Life

When a child is born, no man may set foot in this side room — this is where women welcome life. From conception to birth, a life is entirely women's work.

From the moment a woman becomes pregnant, her mother and sisters in the family give her special care: no heavy work, no food sent in by outsiders, no stimulating food, no going out after dark, no attending funerals; and from time to time lamas (喇嘛) and Daba (达巴) priests are asked to chant prayers for her. A pregnant woman moves into the mother house to live with her mother, keeping away from male visitors; her mother looks after her food and lodging; when the time comes, her mother or her sisters deliver the baby, and no man may be present. The arrival of a new life is carried into this world across a bridge built of a mother's arms.

Acknowledging the Child: The Father's Mother Comes, Not the Father

During the month of confinement, the birth father's mother or sisters bring chicken, brown sugar, yak butter (酥油) and other gifts to visit the child — locals call this "acknowledging the child" (renzi, 认子). But the birth father himself does not come; his mother stands in for him, and if he has no mother, an elder or younger sister may take her place. Women from the same or neighbouring villages also come in groups with gifts, but men never join in.

In a Mosuo family, whether a woman is the biological mother or an aunt, she is equally a mother of the bloodline — there is no distinction, whether of property, status or rights. So there is never a pronounced "I" in the home, only "we"; the mother is the mother of "we", and the child is the child of "we". Some people grow up never quite sure which woman was their birth mother — and in their minds, that is not an important thing.

The Full Month: Bowing to the Sun, a Women's Gathering

When the baby is a month old, the family first bows to the sun, then the women slaughter chickens and sheep to host the women who came to visit the new mother; men, as usual, are left out — this is a matter among women.

After the full-month ceremony, the Mosuo no longer celebrate birthdays. For this is the lucky day of the newborn, but also the day the mother suffered — so when you ask a Mosuo person their birthday, they certainly won't know.

Age 13: The Coming-of-Age Rite, When a Child Grows Into an Adult

Every child, on reaching 13 by nominal age (sui, 虚岁), holds a solemn coming-of-age rite (chengding li, 成丁礼), celebrated with great warmth inside the mother house. It means the child has grown into an adult and a full member of the family: from now on they no longer enjoy the treatment of a small child, and may take part in the family's deliberations.

The rite is held on the first day of the Lunar New Year, beside the two central pillars that stand side by side in the middle of the mother house. These two pillars are called the Brother-and-Sister Pillars (兄妹柱), and they must be cut from the same tree — to show that brother and sister are of one heart, united as one tree. During the rite, the boy stands at the left pillar (the male pillar) and the girl at the right pillar (the female pillar): male on the left, female on the right.

Before age 13, children have no room of their own; they sleep by the hearth (火塘) of the mother house and grow up listening to their grandmother's fairy tales and lullabies. Every morning, as the morning birds chirp outside and the rooster crows again and again, they are at the hearth, listening to their grandmother murmuring the offering to the guozhuang (锅庄), placing a little food on it to commune with the ancestral spirits. After age 13, they have their own rooms — the bedrooms of adult men and women are called "nizhangri" (尼章日) in the Mosuo language.

A Common Misunderstanding

Some books say a girl may begin Walking Marriage (走婚) once she turns 13 — that is nonsense. The coming-of-age rite means a child becomes an important member of the family and is no longer treated as a child, but it does not mean they may immediately take walking-marriage partners. Walking Marriage is a matter for adults, built on emotional attachment and the free consent of both sides; it has no direct, fixed link to age.

In a Mosuo village you rarely see a mother scolding or hitting a child. In the home, the several mothers (the sisters) treat the children all alike; the children grow up by the hearth, grow up in song, grow up in a "we" family — such is the whole life of a Mosuo child.